Monday, June 4, 2012

Real Time Bachelorette (June 4th Episode)

I'm 2000 miles away from anyone I would feel comfortable watching The Bachelorette with. So here's my running diary of the night. Let's pretend that you all are sitting next to me on my couch.

8:00- Guys celebrate the big trip (with a few YEAHS!!) At least they aren't cheering about kids at a playground this time. (I was a bit creeped out by that date, actually)

8:15- Doug nearly beats up Arie. Surprisingly, I'm more comfortable with this scenario than I am hearing them all sit around and talk about feelings.

8:20- One on one date with Doug. Oh Doug. Linz was right...PURE CHEESE! He's a dad, from foster care, has the perfect grandpa, he's "too good" of a dad, started a charity, worst trait is that he doesn't wash cars, oh and did I mention that he's A DAD!? Bachelorette has gone cheap. The most exciting thing they do is write a postcard? She gives him a rose, but I give Doug two more weeks tops. Oh and Emily announces that she never works out. I want to hit her HARD!

8:30- Guys set sail to win a "date". And what's with Jef's hair? And what's with Ryan's hair? And what's with Ryan? I kinda hate that guy. I'm calling him Gaston from now on. Sean would have given his "right leg to pop some champagne with Emily tonight." He's second in line for the Cheese Head Award.

8:45- The Yellow Team wins, thanks to Arie's Indy racing skills. He's handsome in a not handsome way (my favorite guy by far). The Red Team leaves and head-wound Charlie is crying. Way to take it like a man, Charlie. Gaston is in fine form tonight. He's bringing up her getting fat again. He's a DUM DUM. Jef gets the rose.

9:00- We have John and Nate (Who are these guys?) on the "two on one date". Meeting these guys for the first time. Pretty sure they are just fillers. Pan to a shot with Emily (who NEVER works out) in a bikini. Going out on a limb here (and using Tina Fey's arm meat to chest meat ratio) to say that "those" aren't real. As of right now, choosing Nate.

9:10- Cave dinner holding both guys hands. That's weird. Nate's talking fiber...I'm now choosing John. Nate's jeans are rolled. Now, I'm really choosing John! Nate's crying...NOW JOHN'S GOT IT WON, and he hasn't even talked to her yet. John's talking to her, cue the love music. Nate just got ousted. OUCH!! That "two on one date" was 4 minutes long. Shortest date ever. Note to guys not cry on the first date, let alone the first conversation.

9:20- Hey, there's Kalon. He's been quiet this episode. His is my favorite job because I think "Luxury Brand Consultant" is code for working at Nordstrom. Speculation that Gaston is going home. Stolen by Arie. WAIT! Who's the guy with a ponytail? Gaston wants to be the Bachelor. Not surprised. Although pretty sure admitting it isn't helping his cause.

9:30- Cheese head Sean is kind of likeable. Note to Gaston...this is the way to become the next Bachelor. Wow, Doug and Gaston are talking wisdom in not kissing Emily. Right, not kissing her means that you're a front runner. Chris the kid is tattling. Yeah, tattling means that you're a front runner too. THEM IS FIGHTING WORDS for Doug from Chris. Doug's bragging again...he "takes care of everyone he can"...unless they have a dirty car. Chris Harrison! They paid for you to go to Bermuda!?

9:45- Crunch time. Oh wait, she has to sit down with Chris Harrison. I guess they have to make him earn his keep. Mention Arie and she blushes. She tells Chris she hates Gaston too. I like Emily's man eater side.

9:52- Really crunch time now. My husband just walked in, "Is your lame show almost over?" She keeps Gaston!!! Producers had something to do with that. And Kondescending Kalon! So her choice is between Charlie and two guys I don't know the name of. Head-wound Charlie and Ponytail are leaving. Really Ponytail? You're crying? Charlie's crying again. Way to take it like a man, Charlie.

Until next time...


  1. How did Michael Banks's blue knee socks NOT make your post!? How!?!?!

    1. Honestly, didn't notice them! Distracted by the hair. But no worries, One F Jef has a starring role next week.

  2. You hit the nail on the head Lindsay. I can't get enough of Gaston. I hate him. I think he's had one too many motivational side line speeches sink into his pretty head.

  3. So funny! Calling what's his head Gaston is pretty much perfect. Maybe we should become friends in real life so we can watch it together as my husband also makes fun of this awesome show.

  4. Oh how I wish you were here to watch this season with me. I seriously laughed so hard reading this, I almost peed my pants...really, I came close. Ryan...oh goodness. What a d-bag.

  5. Oh my heck, I'm so embarrassed. This schedule change is really throwing me for a loop. Please disregard my last comment, I thought you were Linds not Lindsay. I do, in fact, regard us as "friends in real life."