Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Unlawfully Dressed

I recently read about a bill trying to pass in Louisiana to ban the wearing of pajamas in public. How big of a problem is this really that we need a law to forbid it? Even in WalMart, where crazies like the following are sometimes spotted,

it seems to me that this is probably only going to rain on the parade of pre-teen slumber parties.

Plus, where do we draw the line? Do sweats count as pajamas? Work out clothes? If so, we are in trouble Utah County.

What are your thoughts? Where should people be allowed to go in the pajamas or grubbies? I never feel guilty going in my home renovation clothes to Home Depot but the post office is pushing it.

Monday, January 30, 2012


I think we have a new epidemic…..a widespread disease known as technology rudeness.

Am I the only one on the planet without a smart phone or an iPad? This is just like when everyone had those curly, neon shoelaces that I always begged my mom for and never got. Anyway, I sat in church a few months ago and looked around and nearly everyone was taking notes on their iPads. I think it is so great that we have so much technology. We have information at our fingertips any time, any place. I realize that most of the devices we have are fairly new, which means the etiquette hasn’t really been ironed out yet. However, I think most of it is just common sense. You should really know better in most scenarios. Sadly, I have seen all of these, first hand. (These are just for church. I’m not going to go into everyday etiquette. I do have a life besides this blog.)

*Please don’t be mad at me while I saddle up my high horse.

1. It is not appropriate in any circumstance to make a phone call or check your voicemail during sacrament meeting. If it is an emergency, go out into the hallway.

2. The games on your phone should not be used to entertain your child during sacrament meeting. Teach your child the skills they need to listen and sit quietly. Honestly, by the time your child is old enough to play games on your phone, they are old enough that they shouldn’t have to be entertained 24/7.

3. The games on your phone should not be used to entertain yourself during church. If you are playing golf on your iPad during church, you probably should have just skipped church and gone to the golf course. That is where your heart is anyway.

4. I have seen this one multiple times. I think it is borderline inappropriate to video tape your child’s talk during primary. Yes, it is cute. Yes, it may be his first talk. But it is distracting to everyone in the room when you are trying to get close enough to capture the sound and cute faces. Just sit down and enjoy it!

5. You don’t need to check your Facebook or email during church. If you can’t go 3 hours without doing so, your friends may need to stage an intervention, because you really need help.

6. Turn your ringer off during church. Didn’t we all learn that 10 years ago?

7. You don’t need to check sports scores during church. Isn’t that why the DVR was invented?

I realize I may have come across a little harsh. What do I know? I don’t have a smart phone or an iPad. Maybe I am stuck in the stone age? Maybe I'm just jealous.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

A Girl's Guide To Watching (And Sort of Loving) Sports

In my youth, I was given a gift. That gift was a father who loved to watch sports. It didn't seem like a gift at the time. After all, there were many (well, 5 because we only had 6 channels) things I would have rather been watching other than sports, but guess who dominated the remote control? (Oh, wait. I'm not sure when we got a remote control, but you get my point.)

I've referred to the fact that kids today don't know how good they have it on the entertainment front. We had no iToys, On Demand, or the internet at all. And we only had one rather bulky T.V. It's a miracle we all even made it.

This deprivation though came in handy for me when it came to landing a man. I would like to think that it was my charming nature, my intellect, or even my looks that attracted my husband to me, but really it was probably my knowledge of the Utah Jazz. I had heard my dad and brother talk about the Jazz and watch the Jazz for most of my formative years, and for some reason, I picked up on some of what they were saying, and even began to like to watch the games.

When dating, my husband was pleased as punch that I would sit next to him, watch SportsCenter, and occasionally make a comment that wasn't totally embarrassing.

And I'm not even athletic.

At all.

Yes, I do still enjoy sitting down with my husband to watch an athletic endeavor although not as much as I once did. So now I have to grab at some other aspects of the game to keep my interest alive. So for those of you looking to land a sports fan or keep interest while your husband controls the tube, here is a list of ways girls can watch and enjoy sports.

1. Judge the Uniforms (but don't call them "outfits"... I made that mistake once)

Look at the color, fit, and style. Do you prefer a V neck basketball jersey or a crew neck? Do some athletes look particularly bad or good in their uniform? Decide overall which is the more fashionable team. You can choose to mention these things to your man or not. That's up to your own judgment. My husband sort of likes my side comments about the uniforms, but some may not.

2. Know The Back Story of Athletes

Athletes by and large are interesting characters off the field. If you have access, wikipedia them throughout the game. Know how old they are, if they are dating/married to someone, and how long they've been playing. Are there any scandals surrounding them? These stories provide great side comment material to keep a game (especially a boring one) interesting. For instance, golf was nearly dead to me until Tiger Woods became a scumbag.

3. Play A "He Kinda Looks Like" Game

T.V. sports have a large number of close up face shots. In football you usually have to watch the sidelines. This provides you with a good opportunity to really look at athletes and decide who you know that they look like. It can be someone in your ward, a friend, a relative, a celebrity, or even another athlete. Mention this one to your man definitely. Mine always chuckles, and it fosters playful debate. I will forever be credited with figuring out that Howard Eisley and Brian Grant have the same face.

Howard Eisley

Brian Grant

4. Know The Basic Rules

Alright, I know this is the boring one. But in the end, you don't want to ask any stupid questions particularly if you are dating. If there is a complex rule (like if they are reviewing a play and you're not sure why) go ahead and ask. This is usually a down time in the game so it's a good time to ask.

5. Fill Out a March Madness Bracket

ANYONE can fill out a bracket and do reasonably well; so don't be a killjoy and do it. Have your man do it, and then keep track. We have an anniversary bet that we make each year with this. I always lose, but the process makes watching basketball for 4 days straight bearable.

6. Make Treats For The Big Game

I find food makes everything better.

7. Know That You Hate The Yankees, The Lakers, The Heat, The Cowboys, etc.

There are teams that for one reason or another everyone (except their own particular fans) hates. Know this. It will save you from ever rooting for them accidentally. If your man happens to be a fan of a team that everyone else hates, there may be something wrong with him; if by some miracle there isn't something wrong with him, then I guess you have to be a fan of them too, but I'm sorry if you're in this situation. Liking a team just because they win all the time is a sign of moral weakness (according to my husband).

Follow any or all of these tips, and I can almost guarantee an enjoyable sports watching night (or lifetime even) with your man.

Friday, January 27, 2012

A cringeworthy moment

Last night I was at the hospital visiting a friend. And because I’m a girl and apparently our bladders are the size of a sparrow’s, at some point in the visit I had to leave to go to the bathroom. I went swiftly down the hall to the visitor bathrooms.

The bathroom I went into was a big room in an L shape. Surprisingly large for a bathroom, but I didn’t really pay that much attention at the time. I often think that going to the bathroom must be how a criminal approaches a bank robbery. You’ve got a job to do, so you want to get it done as quickly as possible and get out of there.

As I sat, I kinda noticed something out of the corner of my eye. You know, when you think you see something but you’re certain that you can’t have. Similar to when you imagine the shadows forming shapes of scary faces on the wall… it’s just not real. Well, this was real. I looked back to where I’d seen the ‘something’, and saw a person! An elderly woman sitting in a wheelchair. How I had missed her when I walked into the bathroom, I have no idea. But now, this elderly woman was watching me use the bathroom.

What do you do when someone is watching you use the bathroom? You have a chat, naturally. ‘Sorry, were you wanting to use this?’ I said, still using it! ‘Yes, I was just waiting for the nurse to help me’. What I wanted to say was ‘Why the heck didn’t you say something when I walked in?’ and ‘How did I not see you!’ Well, after a very brief conversation and the speediest bathroom using you can possibly imagine, I left the room embarrassed and bamboozled beyond all comprehension.

And then, thankfully, I woke up.

I had to slap myself to make sure. It felt so real! And then, the sigh of relief. Thank goodness!

Hopefully, sometime soon, I’ll stop reliving the dream every few minutes and be able move on with life. It may be a while.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


Remember Octomom?

She was on a talk show the other day asking for help because apparently she needs a job so she can support herself and her children (which apparently she has 14 of). Go figure. When asked what type of job she was looking for she responded that she was hoping to be able to do some endorsements. Well, sure that would be sweet. And easy. And unrealistic. I would be more than happy to do endorsements myself, but seeing that I'm not a celebrity and I only birth one child at a time I don't think I'll get the opportunity. But if I did here are some products I would endorse (who am I kidding, I would probably endorse almost anything if paid to do so):

1) Chocolate. For obvious reasons.
2) Peanut Butter. Because without it I have no idea what I would feed my kid everyday for lunch.

3) Bare Minerals. Before I discovered this makeup I had an uncanny resemblance to Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.

4) On Becoming Babywise. I know some people don't like this book, but I love it. When your 2 1/2 week old baby only wakes up one time in the night to eat, you might love it too.

5) And this blog. 'Cuz it's awesome.

What products would you endorse?

Wednesday, January 25, 2012


Can you believe any of us made it past junior high school?  How I ever came out of there socially adept is beyond me.  (Then again, maybe I’m giving myself too much credit.)  Regardless, have you looked at your junior high yearbook recently?  I’m still trying to figure the whole thing out.  I mean, how is it even possible that those whose creative genius encompassed… “Have a great summer” and “Social Studies ruled!!!” and “Call me dude” …  are now working professionals with limitless power in the social world?  There are only two words to describe such a transformation:  Christmas Miracle.

Seriously.  We should all be thanking our lucky stars that someone stopped us (me) from wearing our (my) brothers’ old jeans or that a teacher showed us how to express ourselves with other words beside the profane ones.  Who knows where we would be if it weren’t for those people.  We all need a bit of guidance now and then, especially in junior high.  

Then, when you see those poor souls traveling through the midst of junior high and say to yourself, “Oh crap, that was me 17 years ago,” you’ll realize that the Christmas Miracle must not have actually worked on you because you just used the word “crap”….just like you did in junior high.

I guess the Christmas Miracle wasn’t so miraculous after all. 

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Dad Life

With our first baby on the way we are anticipating a lot of changes.

For me this means less sleep, make-up, and alone time.

For my husband it means less testosterone. He is getting concerned.

Which is why, when I stumbled on this sweet gem of a video, I couldn't contain myself. Prepare yourself honey, here comes the DAD life:

Monday, January 23, 2012


I think one of the hardest things about moving is making new friends. Something even harder than that? Making friends with other couples. Is this just me? Or do other people struggle with this? Maybe this is where I find out that no one else has problems making friends and I'm just awkward, and now it's 7th grade all over again. Over the years, my husband and I have made some fantastic couple friends. However, it usually takes a few weirdos before we find a couple we both like. If I like the woman, he usually thinks the guy is a pansy. If he thinks the guy is cool, I usually find the wife a total bore. It is hard to find two people that match just right. Every time I set up a dinner, or a get together with someone new, my husband asks me two questions..."Does he know anything about sports? Does he wear fancier clothes than his wife?". Usually, that is enough for him to get along with the guy.

I love the times when we meet a new couple and we all hit it off right away. No awkward silences, no boring political talk, and no over-sharing. But what are you supposed to do when you thought you liked a couple and then you both end up not liking them. Are you supposed to just be nice and pretend to be their friends? Do you break-up with them? Do you just think of excuses why you can't hang out anymore? (Personally, I like the last option.)

Once, a few years ago, a girl I worked with asked us to go to a movie with her and her husband and a few of their friends. I really got along with her, so I thought we would all have a good time. The morning of the movie, she walked into my office and said, "Hey! So, my husband asked if we could go out with you guys another night. He would like to get to know both of you before we introduce you to our other friends, just in case it doesn't work out with us." How was that for straight forward? I guess some people really take making friends a little more seriously than I do. Needless to say, we never got around to that double date.

Once you are married, does the dating process continue...just in couples? If so, I would rather just stay home. I had enough dating.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

I'm Admitting My Nosiness For Your Benefit

Back story: Last January the three of us bookclubbers (Erica, Kasey, and Lindsay with a shout out to AT) got together to start this blog. What was it going to be? Who was going to write? How often are we going to post? AND what is our name? These were all choices that we actually got together to make. We considered several possibilities for names. One of which was "Runny Mascara." It was clever and sort of snarky (like us). Why did we decide against it in favor of our "Pear Shaped Thoughts?" Because we didn't always want to be "LOL, mascara running" funny. Yes, sometimes we are funny. But sometimes we are random. And sometimes we are serious. Sometimes we are serious and funny all in one post. We didn't want to be a one trick pony. We wanted variety. Because variety is the spice of life. So today...I am NOT funny. Because little do you know that in real life I have a softer side. (Or maybe I just wish I had a softer side so this is my attempt to convince myself that I do.)

My new favorite past time is to listen to Sheri Dew or Ruth Todd do interviews on a program called "Conversations"on The Mormon Channel.

My husband downloaded the Mormon Channel App on my phone, and it remained unused until this week, and now I can't get enough. At the heart of my desire to know more about the lives of the Apostles and other cool people in the church is nosiness.

Nosiness is a blessing and a curse for me. It's what made me quit facebook, because the nosy, like me, could spend an entire day looking around to see what people are up to rather than showering, cleaning, or doing laundry.

In this case, it's a blessing. I have read a thousand short bios on the apostles, but I have never heard from their wives. Which has been super fascinating. They ALWAYS talk about being a mom and the lessons they learned. I love hearing about Julie Beck arguing with her daughters over practicing the piano, or about how Elaine Dalton didn't love church with young kids.

Are you kidding me? Perfect people don't always have perfect lives?!! What a revelation.

You can hear these interviews here.

Friday, January 20, 2012


We have lots of firsts in life.

First breath. First sneeze. First bath. First laugh. First tickle fight. First dance. First time falling over. First time falling over in front of boy you like. First grade. First visit to the beach. First lost tooth. First time you realize the tooth fairy isn’t real because you see your dad putting the dollar in place of the tooth. First imaginary friend. First real friend. First kiss. First sneeze and fart at the same time. First broken heart. First time you realize you’re getting old. First time you think about the future. First music lesson. First job. First accidental smacking of child in the head while using a hula hoop. First period. First lie. First time you drop your ice cream on the boy you like. First flight. First time getting punched in the stomach while in the halls at church by the crazy girl in mia maids. First time travelling on your own. First time chipping a tooth while playing sport. First time roaring out the window at a passing cyclist and causing an accidental dismount. First boyfriend. First love. First Dear John. First car accident. First time seeing snow. First time you realize you’re not as funny as you thought you were. First prank phone call. First pet. First time your dog eats all three of your sister’s chickens. First time you pee yourself laughing. First time you forget why you’re where you are. First time you miss someone. First wedding (and hopefully the last). First pregnancy. First time feeling baby kick inside you. First labour. First epidural. First time you are truly grateful for drugs. First time holding your new baby.

And soon enough it’s baby’s first birthday. And the cycle continues.

It’s his first birthday tomorrow. Don’t-let-me-screw-this-up!!

(Note, not my actual child, I just thought he was cute. Source)

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Dropping the Ball

I failed to put a post together today. Forgive me. I'm tired. I'll do better. So as not to leave you with absolutely nothing to read I will tell you this: Remember my recipe last week to get stains out of clothes? Well, I'm here to let you know that it even works on old stains. Yes, even the 3 year old stains that have been run through the dryer several times. A real miracle, that's what it is.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The Sure Fire Way to Lose Weight and Look Great

Jillian Michael could possibly be The Scariest Woman Alive.  Of course, I mean that in the most loving sense of the word.  If she wasn’t so intense, my jelly belly may stay jelly-like forever. 

My husband is terrified of her.  He thinks she may jump out of the television screen and eat him. (She wouldn’t because that would be too many calories.)  But I say there is nothing more motivating than Jillian Michaels yelling obscenities in your face to get you moving on those push-ups.  Plus, in her workout videos, she’s not that mean.  She’s really nice and helpful.  I only remember her swearing twice in her “30 Day Shred” video.  And those obscenities weren’t even directed at me!  So, I quite like her.

So, I will keep watching her on the tube.  And one day when my husband is watching and she jumps out of the screen and takes a bite, I’ll just say, “hey, she’s just trying to help.  And it looks like she just did by biting off those 10 pounds you’ve been whining about.”  

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Pretty Pretty Princess

Last week Kasey blessed us all with her recipe for clean laundry and this week I'm giving you the gift of the clothes to try it out on.

Maybe you've all already scouted out the source of Kate Middleton's fabulous closet supplier but I had not.

Behold Reiss

And surprisingly enough, they are even affordable (i.e. less than thousands of dollars) and promise more coverage than your average department store nightie-wanna-be dresses.

All you need now is to take a trip to the pet store for a feathery friend and you'll be a princess in the making.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Black Men's Pants

I think everyone appreciates a good embarrassing moment. I have lots of them. Probably more than most people. I am naturally brunette, but my sisters always tease me that I should have been blonde. Enough set up, here is the story.

When I was 16, I worked at a clothing store in the mall. A husband and wife came in. Like any good saleswoman, I approached them and asked how I could help. The husband said, "We are looking for black men's pants." I stared at him quizzically and then said, "Sir, they don't make pants especially for black men. Anyone can wear them. Anyway, why would you be looking for them? You are white."

Yes. I actually said that. Cringe.

The wife was nearly doubled over laughing behind her husband. He kindly restated his question for me. "No, we are looking for men's pants, that ARE black."


Saturday, January 14, 2012

January Spoons Full of Sugar

I know I talked (albeit briefly) about my distaste for this time of year in my last post, but get used to it. I haven't hashed this out enough just yet. I wish I had a birthday, anniversary, or some event that would make this month appealing, but I don't.

So what do I have this month?

I have Mary Poppins constantly blaring in the background of my daily chores. It was a Christmas gift for my girls, and they love it... a lot.

The other day, I was about to have a pity party for myself (the kind that involves chocolate and island dreaming) while folding and putting away laundry, when I heard Mary herself singing, "a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down," and I was struck with the idea that


Actually, no I can't. But I can have a better attitude about January. I just need to find things to make my days seem more exciting.

So here's what is making my life more exciting at the moment:

1. Painting Old Furniture:

I've decided that I'm painting our dining table a light blue color. Don't ask me why I decided on light blue. It just needs a little something and when a non-classic piece of furniture hits the "outdated" phase, it's time to look at it in a new way. So depending on how it all turns out, I may or may not grace this blog with a picture of this adventure.

2. The Miss America Pageant

I know. I'm a terrible person. I've decided to skip The Bachelor this season (I'm as shocked as you are) after being thoroughly bored by the first episode. So where am I placing all my sarcastic energy? That's right. You guessed it. I just can't help myself. The pageant is tonight on ABC. Check your local listings, and trust me; you don't want to miss it, unless you're not a terrible person.

3. Lindsay Brin's 4 Week Free Exercise/Nutrition Portal

I have stuck more or less (let's not count the holidays) to my post baby fitness plan, and I have told you about Lindsay Brin's workouts for moms in the past. If you go to the Mom's Into Fitness website you can try their workout portal with nutrition tips for free for 4 weeks. Basically, you get a 30 minute workout emailed to you weekly based on your nutrition goals. I'm in week 2, and I'm starting to feel like Lindsay and I are best friends. She really does make the most out of 30 minutes.

4.Every 4 to 6 Hour Jane Austen Movie Out There

When I'm needing a little something to entertain in the winter, these are great. I adore the 1995 BBC Pride and Prejudice. I cry happy tears every time I watch the 2007 BBC Sense and Sensibility, and I love the 2009 BBC Emma. If you're at all sappy, romantic, and into British stuff, you'll love em.

Friday, January 13, 2012

May the beasts be with you!

Last week, we moved house. When we were packing, memories of our last home came flooding back.

Our last place was a one bedroom basement apartment with bright yellow walls, some blue curtains, some pink, and carpet that had been flooded more than once. Flash, huh? We lived there for two years.

At that house, my husband and I made a discovery. Beasts find me. Like chocolate finds a way to rest at your hips. Insects, spiders, rodents, they just want to be near me.

I have lots of proof.

I opened my wardrobe and noticed something black out of the corner of my eye at the bottom of the cupboard. It took a second to register, but a gigantic rat had decided to make the foot of my wardrobe his final resting place. Charmed, I'm sure.

I went into the bathroom, washed my face, and leaned toward my towel. I thank my lucky stars every day that I opened my eyes before putting my face into the towel or I would have been wearing a giant huntsman spider as a hat. Shudder…. Huntsman hat anyone?

I opened the kitchen pantry and a huge cockroach flew straight out toward my head. Right up in my grill. As delicious as I’m sure cockroaches are, I don’t think I want any on my dinner menu. Cockroach pie for dinner tonight, honey!

I’ll give you three guesses why I decided not to call that place home forever.

Yep. You got it in one.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

My Gift to You

WARNING: I've got baby on the brain and very few hours of sleep so this post reflects my current circumstance.

I've been adjusting to life with a newborn the past week or so. Although this isn't my first time around the block there are a few things I had forgotten about babies. Namely, how messy they are. Between spit up and blow outs it's a wonder I can keep this baby clothed throughout the day (confession: sometimes "clothed" means a diaper and being swaddled in a receiving blanket).

And what's more frustrating than taking the latest blow out clothing from the washer only to discover the stain was not removed? Well, actually a lot of things are more frustrating than that, but still, it's disheartening to either have gross stained clothes or to throw away clothing that's been worn once. But guess what? Those days are over. You, lucky readers are in for a real treat. A friend gave me a "recipe" that removes stains from your baby's clothes and blankets and I'm going to share it with you. (It's rumored that this even works on old stains, like ones that have been set after going through the dryer, but I haven't tested it out yet).

So here it is:

2 quarts hot water
1/4 cup dishwasher soap
1/2 cup clorox color safe bleach 2

Soak for 3 to 4 days. Yes DAYS. Since it's such a long soak I do it in a bucket so as not to occupy the sinks in our homes.
And that's it.

You can thank me later. Like in 3 to 4 days.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Art of Re-Gifting

My mother-in-law got caught re-gifting once.  The gift in question was given to a family before my MIL took off the “to so-and-so” sticker with her name on it.

So when I opened up this card for my January birthday I knew I was just another victim. 

Then I went on to open up the inside of the card to find an expression so honest I almost wet myself laughing. 

Which, in turn, makes up for the re-gifting of the card.  And makes for the coolest mother-in-law ever.   

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Lost Art

I think I’m part of the first generation that stopped concerning themselves with penmanship in school (why write when every assignment is typed), and it’s a good thing too because it is the only subject I have ever failed.

Seriously, I failed penmanship in first grade. I was devastated. What are the standards for first grade penmanship anyway? I’m sure I did better than all the boys in the class…

Which brings me to my next point (kind of). I have no idea what my husband’s handwriting looks like.

Last month I entered all of my mother in-law’s recipes into a program. She could tell from the handwriting who wrote it (mother, sister, or neighbor) and at what time in their life. This is a real talent folks.

And then I got to thinking about how if I absolutely had to, I couldn’t pick out my husband’s from a line-up. For the past six years we’ve texted, e-mailed, g-chatted, and even talked in person face-to-face, but I probably have seen his handwriting only five times (all on valentine’s/birthday/anniversary cards).

...And that is all I have to say about that. Can anyone relate?

Monday, January 9, 2012

Spelling Bee

When I was in second grade, I won our class spelling bee. It was a proud moment for me. This is why facebook is sometimes painful to me. How do so many people misspell so many of the same words? And, why are so many words (e.g. their, there, they're) used incorrectly? I am the first to admit that I am not a perfect speller. However, if I come across a word that I don't know how to spell, I will look it up.

I was thrilled to find the following diagram. http://theoatmeal.com/comics/misspelling

Please review, and pass it along. The online world could use some better spellers.

And while I am at it...
  • height is not pronounced with a "th" on the end.
  • Both does not have an "L" in it (bolth)
  • You do not go acrossed the street. You go across.
  • It is pronounced lit-er-ally. Not lit-rally.
Sorry for the rant. I'm done now.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Of Coats and Carseats: Inventions Moms Need

Happy January. (No exclamation mark; this month deserves none.) I'm not at all with Kasey on her "winter love" post. The fact of the matter is that I would shave my legs three times a day if it meant that I could have 80 degree weather. I am, however, with her on the fact that some people come up with really strange inventions that have no purpose and make millions. It's really quite maddening. Well, just this week it has turned bitter cold here on the East Coast, and that prompted me to think of an idea which if put into place would make millions...

A Thin, Very Warm Winter Coat for Toddlers

Either that or a

Carseat with Elastic Straps To Fit Any Outfit Your Toddler Wears

Am I the only one out there who is super frustrated with buckling their child in during the winter months? I'm fed up with it!! Just this week this problem left me (and my fresh "once a week" done hair) out in a rainstorm for about 3 to 5 minutes.

After coming up with these brilliant ideas, I came up with several other frustrating moments in motherhood that one could capitalize on.

First of all, we need...

A Crib Sheet That Can Be Put On Without Removal of The Crib Bumper

I choose to have a bumper because my children like to ram their tiny heads into the bars on the side of the crib without them, and while I know that the bumper is only on the crib for a short while (I take them down at about 10 or 11 months when they can be used as stepping stools to get out of the crib), this would really make changing dirty sheets on the crib so much easier.

And while I'm at it...

A Vacuum-Like Contraption To Pick Up Tiny Toys

Ok. My sister came up with this one years ago when her boys started playing with legos, and she kept stepping on and finding tiny ones all over the house. My contraption would mainly be for Polly Pockets and Squinkie Toys, as I have girls who don't do legos, but I am so tired of picking up these little toys one by one and would pay top dollar for something to make it a little easier on myself.

I know that I should be the one making millions off these ideas for moms, but the ironic thing is that I AM a mom and don't have time. So if someone wants to take one of my ideas and make millions off it, go for it. I won't sue. I'll most likely just buy them from you.

Friday, January 6, 2012

That awkward moment when...

Recently, I’ve been noticing a significant number of facebook statuses that begin this way.

Example 1: That awkward moment when you bite into your apple only to realize it’s a tomato.

That’s not awkward. That might be mildly unfortunate, but unless you were surrounded by a room of potential dates who all saw you bite into the tomato and squirt tomato juice all over yourself as your pants fell down and you slipped on a banana peel, this does not qualify as awkward.

Example 2: That awkward moment when you go to an all you can eat buffet and are full after 2 plates.

Also not awkward. Waste of money, perhaps, but not awkward. If you fell into the all you can eat buffet and as you squelched your way out of the strawberry jelly you leaned back into your old high school principal with just a little too much momentum causing you both to fall into a jelly covered heap on the floor, that would be awkward.

Example 3: That awkward moment when the cop shutting down the party knows everyone, but has to be a professional in front of 7 of his colleagues.

Wait. This one might actually be awkward. Imagine it. You’re a police officer on your everyday patrols. You hear communications over the radio asking you to go check out a noise complaint. It’s a party on a Tuesday night, and the neighbours are not amused. You head over to the party and find the home owner outside. As you chat to him asking him to shut the party down, a friend comes up behind you. Oh no. As you look around, you realise this is a party FULL of people you know. But not only those you know, but your sister and brother in law are there, some girls you dated before you got married, and around 400 singles who used to be in your circle. Some who still are. Now, without seeming like a power hungry cop, you have to ask them to leave. But there’s 400 of them! And they all want to have a chat. To each other and to you. Be professional or have a chat? Sadly, you have to be professional. And being professional as a cop means giving people specific orders to leave, threatening to arrest them if they don’t comply, and basically getting on everyone’s bad side. The uniform and flashing lights seem cool until you’re arresting your friends.

Now that’s awkward.

I know. It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

As Seen on TV

The things people buy. It's incredible, really. Here are three of the, in my opinion, stranger products out there.

1) The Obama Chia Pet. When I first saw the commercial for this I thought it was a Saturday Night Live skit, but it's for real. I'll be the first to admit that Chia Pets are pretty awesome. I myself was an owner of the Chia Pet sheep once, but an Obama Chia pet - now that's just silly.

2) Bump-its. First of all, I thought big hair was kind of out of style - unless you're from the South, Utah County, or a polygamist. I suppose that might be a big enough audience to sell it. It's unfortunate, though, that a product out there is supporting the bad hairstlye - a real disservice to the community. Side story: one time I was at a church in Hawaii. The lady I sat next to asked me where I was from. I told her I was from Utah. She looked at me with a confused expression and then said, in all seriousness, "but your hair's not big!"

3) Snuggies. Does it bother anyone else when someone has a strange idea and they make a ton of money and you have a million (or at least one) really good ideas but you know it would never take off? That's how I feel about snuggies. A blanket with sleeves. A very popular gift and all it is is a blanket with sleeves. And I secretly want one.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

When You Realize You Have Truly Let Yourself Go

Remember that one time when my two year old ran out of the bathtub, (naked) stood by my side, and peed on me and my new jeans.  And remember how I didn’t even change out of the aforementioned jeans for the rest of the day.  Actually, you wouldn’t remember because it only happened five days ago.  But I remember.  And if they say there are “a-ha” moments when you realize you have let yourself go, that was definitely my moment.  Other moments leading up to this moment may or may not include:

1.)   Wiping my kid’s nose with my hand.
2.)   Pretending I didn’t see my kid eat that M&M off the floor.
3.)   Forgoing my kid’s hand washing after a midnight trip to the bathroom.
4.)   Wearing the shirt that my child wiped snot all over for a date.

What’s really weird about all of this is that people still want to hang out with me.  Actual people too.  Not just dogs and hamsters.  Either they are oblivious to it or someone is bribing them.  

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


Today I'm a little concerned that I'm not more concerned about January 3rd finding me without a list of resolutions.

My husband asked me what my goals were for the year. I thought long and sincerely and replied:

"Have a baby."

He said that didn't count because it's going to happen goal or not, but I say we all need a little guaranteed success now and then.

I'm usually so energized by the idea of making a new list (grocery list, to-do list, baby name list, etc) that I jump at the chance to write some goals down.

It's not that I didn't consider other goals, they just seem so trivial (or likely to fail). Maybe it's another symptom of pregnancy brain Kasey mentioned, but I'm pretty stumped. I'm just going to say that I'm maturing. My life and all in it is a swirling vortex with the baby in the middle.

How many of you make goals every year? Do you remember them the next year? Or better yet, keep them?

Monday, January 2, 2012

Judging by the Cover

Happy New Year! I realize that I should probably post something New Years-y, like resolutions, or weight-loss goals, or self-improvement ideas, but I'm not going to. Today marks the premiere of a new season of the Bachelor! I understand how pathetic it may sound that I am actually excited about this, but I'm a stay-at-home-mom and I don't get out much.

Here are my predictions for the season....based entirely on the girls' profile pictures. This is judging a book by the cover at its finest.

I have narrowed it down to the winner of 7 categories. ( All images taken from here. Check it out for full profiles!!)

1. Good Morning, Margarita! - This award goes to Amber T. Maybe it is the earrings? Or the eyeliner. Not sure, but my guess is she will be wasted by 11 am each day.

2. Fake it Till you Make it - This award goes to the girl with the least amount of real body parts (fake tan, fake teeth, fake lashes, fake hair color...maybe some injections or plastic parts). My prediction is that Holly from Kentucky is going to take this one.

3. The Wrench - ABC always throws in something weird. Vampire teeth, masks...and now the old lady? Did they cross the line? Absolutely. Sheryl, I hope you are getting paid for this. Otherwise, I hope you are seeing a therapist.

4. The Darling - She will be one of the favorites but not make it to the top 2. She will most likely be the next Bachelorette. Isn't she gorgeous? Kacie, from Tennessee!

5. Crazy Cakes - There is always one girl that is just off-her-rocker-nuts. Crying, whiny, super hyper, paranoid, jealous, maybe even does a baby voice once in a while. I am going to give this one to Shira. Don't her eyes just have a little psycho in them?

6. Little Miss Dramatic - This award is custom fit for the high maintenance, uppity, snob who thinks everything is awful and she is too good to be there. Hello? You signed up! Don't act like they are making you be there. Introducing, Blakeley!

7. Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner - Based on looks and possibly a little profile cheating, these are my picks for the final two. You have to have a blonde and a brunette. I think it might be a rule.

The brunette - Jenna. She is a blogger. So am I. I think that is a good reason to like her. I think she will be funny. Plus, she has a great smile.

The blonde - Casey S. - She is an absolute doll. Plus, she looks like Taylor Swift. And I love Taylor Swift.

As for the bachelor. Eh. He isn't my favorite. He seems fun, but I hope he cuts his gnarly hair.

Let's see how well I do!! Wish me luck!