Saturday, December 3, 2011

The 9 Christmas Songs I Could Live Without


There are few things I'm totally weird about. (This is debatable...ask my husband/friends/family.) But I am weird about Christmas music.

I love it. I mean LOVE it.

If it were socially acceptable, I would start listening to it come the first crisp day of September.

So because I listen to so much of it, I'm calling myself an expert here and I ask you to believe me when I say that there are 8 (possibly 9 if I were a really mean-spirited kind of person) Christmas songs that I could live without. And since I'm the expert here, you could live without them too.

So without further ado:

1. Santa Baby: A song that promotes adultery, the seduction of an old man, materialism and is the ultimate in commercialization of Christmas. So help me, if a yacht ever makes it on my Christmas list, I'm asking, no begging, for an intervention.

2. Mary, Did You Know?: I've got news for you...she knew. Have you ever heard of a little angel named Gabriel?

3. Little Drummer Boy: I've read the scriptural account of the nativity numerous times and if anyone can show me where it mentions this so called drummer boy, I'll totally change my mind about this song. Otherwise, it's a pure fabrication that I'll have none of.

4. Last Christmas: I've tried not to let my bias against anything George Michael sings cloud my vision of Christmas songs, but I can't help it here. And it seems to me that this song isn't about Christmas at all. In fact you could replace the word "Christmas" with any holiday. Think about it..."Last Memorial Day I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away..." It still works.

5. My Favorite Things: Talk about songs that aren't about Christmas. I have nothing against The Sound of Music. I quite like the film actually, but there is no reason why this song should be associated with Christmas. I'm pretty sure that my song about The Bachelor, Jane Austen, The Food Network, and walks on the beach shouldn't be associated with Christmas either.

6. Carol of the Bells: This one just doesn't do it for me. It sounds like the soundtrack to a horror film. A little too intense for my liking.

7. Do They Know It's Christmastime? It was the 80s, the celebrities were trying to feed Africans. That's totally cool. But here's what I think every time I hear this guilt-trippy song: "The Africans are most-likely not Christians. They don't care if it's Christmastime." I mean are we really supposed to care that "there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime?" Like we can control the weather!

8. Anything by Kenny Rogers: On a road trip in 2004, I had a revelation. I leaned over to my new husband and said, "Is it just me, or can Kenny Rogers NOT sing?" So I just had to throw him in on this list.

9. If I were a mean-spirited kind of person... I would tell you what my ninth song is...but since I'm not that kind of person, I'll just let you guess what it is. Here's a hint: It involves a guilt trip and footwear. It's a real downer.

Happy Singing Everyone!

7 comments:

  1. I also don't like the Christmas Shoes song. Guess what little boy...they weren't kidding when they said "you can't take it with you." That goes for shoes too. One more song I think you should mention is the "War is Over" song by John Lennon. I'm happy when wars are over myself, but the song just doesn't bring in the Christmas Spirit.

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  2. Totally agree with this list! I can't stand "Christmas Shoes" either. ICK.

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  3. I do start listening to Christmas music in September! And crap that you posted this! My idea is shot for Monday. Haha! :) I'm a Christmas music purest. If it has been made up in the past 20 years or so I probably don't like it.

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  4. Truth is, both Santa Baby AND Last Christmas are on my Christmas songs rotation. I'm all about a fun tune and hardly ever pay attention to lyrics which can get me in trouble sometimes. And although I'm not a huge Kenny fan, I must admit I know almost every word to "The Gambler" and I do recall a quick lunch trip with two friends in high school to the one and only "Kenny Roger's Roasters" So, I have to like him a little, because he makes great chicken.

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  5. I so remember that lunch trip to Kenny Roger's Roasters! So funny!

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  6. I hate My Grown Up Christmas List. Ditto on the ones you mentioned.
    -Gretel (not Curtis)

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  7. Dolly Parton's "Hard Candy Christmas" is so bad it's good. Here's the chorus:

    I'll be fine and dandy
    Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
    I'm barely getting through tomorrow
    But still I won't let
    Sorrow bring me way down

    Get it on iTunes, it's wonderful:)

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