Friday, September 30, 2011

Food Evolution


The first humans* were either brilliant or completely insane. How in the world did they decide what to eat, drink, use as medicine...etc? When you think about it, some things are truly disgusting and quite frankly, a little demented.

Who decided, "Hmmm, I should roll up these weird leaves and light them on fire and then smoke them!".

Who found rotten potatoes and thought," I should let these sit a little longer and then make a drink out of them!". I'm sorry, have you ever smelled rotten potatoes? It is what I imagine the people in a gypsy camp in the middle of summer would smell like.

I understand some things...like eating something growing on a tree. Fruit looks beautiful. I think nature intended it to look lovely and enticing. I also understand watching the animals eat the grass, or different plants and following their lead. But, did the first humans just do a lot of trial and error? Like line up and try eating different animals?

"Mmmm, cow. That was delicious. Add that to the menu." Or....
"Euwww. Aardvark. A little on the tough side. Toss that one."

What about plants?

"Well, Ted just dropped dead. I guess those yellow berries weren't any good." Or...
"I wonder if I dried these leaves, then soaked them in some hot water and then drank it; would it help calm my irritable bowel?"

The kicker for me is...

"Whoa! Do you see that white, round thing that just came out of that chicken's butt? We should crack it open and fry it up!"

So, my conclusion is this. Think about Beethoven, Mozart, and Einstein. All brilliant and all crazy. The first humans were just crazy geniuses.


* (I am going to exclude Adam and Eve. They were inspired, you know.)

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Just Call Me June

My dream came true. I looked in the mirror yesterday and I was June Cleaver.


I was in the middle of making dinner, I had a pearl necklace on (sometimes I wear jewelry when I go to work), and I was wearing an apron. You can't get any closer to June than that. Well, I suppose I could have been wearing a dress and high heels too, but let's be real. Not to mention I've canned green beans, peaches, and pears this month. What's more domestic than canning? Probably nothing.

In the back of my mind, I've always wanted to be June Cleaver. Namely because the Beaver is so dang funny and who wouldn't want to be his mom? But also because the ideal seems nice: being a stay at home mom, keeping the house clean for the family, serving meals, making your kids costumes for the school play, knowing your kid's friends and what they are up to, etc. I can live without the dressing up, being stuck at home all day due to having only one car, not having a dishwasher or clothes washer, and those other minor nuisances that woman lived with back in "the day."

So here's to making all of my wildest dreams come true. Except I have one tiny problem - I really hate to cook. Which is troublesome, since June spent at least half of each episode making meals. If I can count pulling cereal boxes out of the cupboard as "making a meal" though, then I'm in the clear.

In the end, I'm closer to the 50's housewife than I thought.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Confession: I'm Addicted to Sugar



When you wake up in the morning and it takes all you have NOT to eat ice cream for every meal, you know you have a problem.  Because seriously, I would eat ice cream for every meal if it were socially acceptable or  didn’t make me sick all over the bathroom floor.   But there are just so many delicious flavors.  Sooooooo many. 

I occasionally remember how bad it is when I over do it on the sweets.  Like that day my three-year-old threw up because he ate the exact same things I did all day.  Yeah.  Talk about feeling “the guilty parent” feeling.  I don’t imagine we ate salad and cucumbers that day.   Thing is, salad and cucumbers don’t taste like Oreos.  They should, but they don’t.  And I’ll almost always choose Oreos and ice cream over cucumbers and salad.  I think Michael Scott said it best when addressing Dwight Schrute very irritably about his beet farm.

Michael:  “Why do you grow beets Dwight?  No one likes beets!  You should grow candy… (even more irritated) I could really use a piece of candy right now.”


So could I Michael.  So could I.  

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Wishful Thinking

"Oh, you won't show until six months with your first."

Ha-ha-ha.

Maybe some of you vertically challenged lovely ladies were lucky and tucked that little bundle of joy in your inch long torso without a problem, but this little lady is not so lucky.

Two-months in and many food aversions later I've had to pack up my skinniest pair of skinny jeans and store them away for the long haul. It's not like I look pregnant yet, but something is definitely showing that wasn't before.

This is how big my baby is:


What? It seems ridiculous that a little grape is coming between me and my favorite articles of clothing. I knew my life would change, but so soon? I don't know if I can handle this. 

On a positive note, on a particularly wonderful day when I was sporting my newly acquired fat suit (and that is what it really feels like, a suit that does not belong to me) I was approached on campus by a zealous Provo All-star who invited me to a pool party mixer. Yes, me, the pregnant miserably sick and unattractive feeling woman who incidentally was wearing her wedding ring (remember this post?) was invited to hang-out with silly young men poolside wearing hardly nothing. Truly, a victory for pregnant women everywhere. 

Okay, so maybe I'm being dramatic about the fat suit. Apparently some people still think I have it going on. That or they are desperate, but please people, I need all the wins I can get for the next four weeks...or 8 months...I'm still deciding what advice I can trust.