Friday, June 24, 2011

My Presidential Nomination

During student body elections one year when I was in middle school some kid got the bright idea to nominate the spork to run for the presidency. 

He made campaign posters featuring Spork. People carried around sporks and told everyone to, “vote for Spork.” What a bozo right?

Well, I have to admit, at the time we all thought it was an ingenious idea. (which is precisely why the voting age is not 13). Everyone loved it except for the school administration (and probably the parents who spent a lot of time, money, and glitter glue on campaign posters for their high achieving children), who thought it was out of control and who were not too pleased when everyone wrote-in spork on the ballots. “Woohoo-Spork for the win!”

I bring this up because during this time when presidential hopefuls are declaring their intent to run for president of the United States, I have my own equally ridiculous nomination to make.

I think Google should run for president.

Think about it--Google knows the voice of the people.

When you go to search for something on Google, Goolge auto-fills your search because Google knows what you’re thinking.

Google knows what you care about--cookie recipes without sugar, fat, or flavor; how to uninvite the child who bites from playgroup; what to do about a fatality involving the barking dog next door; etc.

Google knows where you spend your time--Netflix, Facebook, Pear Shaped Thoughts.

Google knows what makes you laugh--sneezing kittens, Charlie, awkward family photos.

Google knows who is important to you. Like that ridiculous friend of your uncle’s neighbor’s wife you blog stalk and your grandma who sends frequent e-mails of cute baby animal pictures, new parking lot abductions techniques, and anti-terrorist patriotic messages.

Google knows where you live (Well, maybe only if you’re directionally challenged like me and have to look-up to and from routes everywhere you go).

I really can’t think of a better representative of the public.

Really the only under-represented populations would be small children (who don’t vote anyway), the computer illiterate (they won’t know what they’re missing), and the elderly (who will only make up about 50% of the population soon).

Oh. And there is that small problem about how most of the searches on Google are for pornographic material. You don’t think Google would assume that’s what we all really wanted do you?


  1. Hahaha. I totally forgot about voting for Spork. I wonder how many votes he ended up getting.

  2. I'm with you on this one! Computers do everything nowadays with more efficiency than people, so why not try it? I can think of way worse (not to mention slimy) candidates we could vote for.

  3. I totally remember the spork campaign. Hahaha. That gave me a good laugh. I support your idea only if Google would come up with a way that I could filter my grandma's extreme 'patriotic' (aka racist) emails and only let through the ones where she says she'd like to send me money.