Jami, take it away:
I am pregnant. Again. For the third time. Apparently being pregnant is all the rage right now. Jessica Alba, Pink, Selma Blair. I'm just glad I'm not pregnant at the same time as Heidi Klum, because then I would hate her and her skinny pregnant self. But I can't hate her because she is German and lovely and witty.
And although I am happy to be following a trend (false: trends are lame) and could not ask for a bigger blessing than being able to bear children (the latter statement is true), pregnancy is hard. Thing is, no one ever tells you what's so hard about it. But for you, dear teenager, who loudly confided in me at the not-so private establishment called The Buckle by saying "I wanna be a surrogate for my aunt," I am gonna give it to you straight. Because sometimes, it's just not as cute as you think it is.
1.) You don't just gain weight in your belly. You gain weight EVERYWHERE (unless you're Heidi Klum). Your butt, your arms, your legs, your face. Sometimes I think my hair is even getting fat.
2.) You don't just cry when your baby is born. You cry over EVERYTHING: Like when your husband loses the chapstick, and you really needed to use it.
3.) You become a mean person: And you yell at your husband when he loses the chapstick right after you cried about it.
4.) You lose all motivation to do anything: My toilets may be black inside but I'll be danged if I have to peel away from my pregnancy pillow and this episode of “Chuck” to clean them.
5.) There is no more bending over: Have you ever seen a pregnant woman try and pick up something from the floor? It ain't pretty.6.) Say good-bye to your 3-a-day bathroom trips. Because that number triples. And what was once beautiful skin on your hands is now cracked and bleeding skin from all the hand washing you'll be doing as a result.
7.) Stretch marks and the arrival of veins you never knew you had. Need I say more?
So my dear little friend, even though it is quite amazing to carry a baby, maybe you ought to let these stone cold facts settle in your tender brain before offering up your teenage womb to the masses.