Saturday, April 30, 2011

Royal Wedding Bonanza!

Ok. It was every bit as great as I thought it would be. The pomp and circumstance of the whole thing was just so refreshing especially considering all the weird ideas people come up with for weddings nowadays. Wasn't it so nice to see someone do everything just right? Fabulous.

With all do respect to Will, this may be the last mention he gets. He was not the star of this day. Let's get on to the most anticipated part of this whole thing (for me at least)...THE DRESS:


I nearly did a cartwheel when I awoke in the morning and saw these pics of Kate in her perfect dress by Sarah Burton of Alexander Mcqueen. I can't even imagine the kind of pressure one feels when they are going to be seen by 1 billion people on their wedding day. And when they are becoming a princess, at that. I mean, the urge to do something completely over the top (like a huge, overly decorated dress, with a 30 foot train) has got to pass through your brain. She could have looked like a cupcake or "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" or something. But she didn't. It was elegant, simple, age appropriate, and just grand enough. It was modern, but not what everyone is wearing these days. So much has been made about "The Modern Royals" too that she really could have gone with more skin, but chose not to. What class!

On to her hair:

Again, she could have gone much more formal, but she didn't. She looked so recognizable and fresh. It was just lovely with that veil and the understated tiara lent to her by the queen. Excellent choice.

Let's move on to the cake:

I'm not really a wedding cake person. I just don't care that much about them. But yeah, it looks pretty perfect to me. A trend setter, no. I can't see people running out to copy it for their own wedding, but I appreciate, once again, the tradition and beauty that we have somehow moved away from.

Pippa, maid of honour:
The bride's younger sister also donned a dress that was designed by Sarah Burton of Alexander Mcqueen and looked fantastic too. Again, just right. Although, I'm feeling bad that she spent the morning corralling the kiddos.

Let's look at those kiddos in the wedding party:




Ah kids. At least we know that even the royals have naughty children at times. This comic relief is necessary at something this formal, right? I'm sure their parents were trying to direct them with looks from the sidelines, much like any Primary program. Joke is on their parents though, because these kids had the best seat in the house.

And finally, some of the sweetest moments:




What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. I may have shed a tear or two at times during the day. Best wishes to the happy couple. They certainly brightened this gloomy April day for all of us.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Branded

I don't like to think of myself as a snob. 

But the truth is, I am...

I am Erica, and I am a brand snob.

(Now you say, "hello Erica" just like at an AA meeting because y'all 
are brand snobs too even if you don't know it yet) 

I know very well who Marc Jacobs, Louis Vuitton, and Dolce and Gabbana are. Unlike some endearing people I know (cough, cough, Mom) I know that Prada is not a town in Italy. That being said, I don't care so much whose pants I'm wearing, purse I'm swinging, or jewels I'm blinging, but I am VERY particular about a few key brands. 

Here are the top five products where I buy by brand or go without (in order of importance): 

1. Underwear.
Let's face it, the knockoffs are pretty much non-existent.

2. Hair products. 
Assuming that I do my hair, it matters.

3. Toilet paper. 
This one I actually have little preference on, but my husband is very opinionated about it (and everything else, just ask him), and because we are supposed to be united, it's on the list. Even rough-and-tumble men need pampering too and according to Charmin Sensitive (with a touch of aloe) it's how we can all better the world one square at a time. We all know it takes a real man to pay double for such a fine commodity. 

4. Toothpaste. 
Anything other than Crest and I might as well go back to the stick with baking soda and water--it's just that bad elsewhere. 

5. Brownies. 
Sorry Betty, I know the break-up's been hard on you with your shelf in my food storage being replaced Ghiradelli and all. Ghiradelli is just so much richer (not that I'm saying that richness matters, because it doesn't, unless you're a brownie, and then it's all that you're good for).  

Calling all brand snobs for confession time! What are your top five must-have brands?

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Exercise Enmity


Running makes me sick. One time I ran a 5k. It was on Thanksgiving, two years ago. I was sick the rest of the day. I haven't gone for a run since.

Hiking makes me tired. One time I hiked to the top of a mountain with a group of people. I was slower than most. I got separated from the group. It was pitch black. My flashlight burned out. I haven't hiked to the top of a mountain since.

Biking makes my arm hurt. I've been biking on a stationary bike twice a week for a month now and my right arm hurts today. Most people would say it has nothing to do with the biking, but what do most people know, anyway?

I stepped on the scale today to see if exercising has done anything for me (besides wreaking havoc on my body) and I weighed in at a healthy -69 pounds. I fixed the scale, stepped on again, and saw that my weight is more or less the same as it was a month ago.

The only logical conclusion I can draw: exercising is not good for my body.
Do you think my disdain for exercising may explain why I have cankles?

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Royal Wedding (My Super Bowl)


The Royal Wedding of Kate Middleton and Prince William is a little bit like Black Friday for me. Everyone is talking about it. So as much as I'd like to ignore it, I can't! I must be a part of it! And the more I've watched, heard, read about it, the more excited I'm getting! (Although, I'm hoping it doesn't turn out a disaster like most Black Fridays do for me.)

I usually love all things British, and my ancestry is from England, so I have a right to care about this, right?

Probably not.

But I do care. And so do most girls/women, whether they want to admit it or not.

When I finally came out and revealed my excitement to my family, my mom and sisters decided we needed to have a party. So the plans are in the works.

At the party, we will be reviewing the dress, the flowers, the cake, the hair. You name it. So you can all guess what will be on the agenda for Saturday's post.

Let's talk about the happy couple for a minute:

Will: I'm actually a little bit bored by him. Nice enough guy and all, but am I the only one who thinks that Harry is the better looking brother? Nonetheless, he's going to be king, so that's got an obvious charm. Really, not much more to say.
Harry:



Kate: I just love her! I don't really know her, and if I did, she'd probably disappoint. (But then again, she may invite me to her wedding, so it would all be worth it.) She is from "new money". She has a normal family. She plays hockey. She is beautiful. And I just love how everything she wears is so easy, stylish, and natural. She seems so lovely and next-doorish. How could anyone not be a fan? This girl is going to be STUNNING in a wedding dress;I'd put money on it. (If I did that, of course.)

Thank goodness for DVR's; otherwise I'd be waking up at 2 am on Friday as to not miss a single minute. It's going to be fantastic. I just know it.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Movie Review: Water for Elephants

I'm not normally an opening-night-movie-goin kind of gal, but I became one accidentally this weekend when the husband and I went on a double date with friends to see this:

Water for Elephants

The Review: On a scale of 1 to 10 
Warning: Slight Spoiler Alert!

The Acting: I give Reese a 9 and Pattinson a 7 
(which is an improvement from the 2 I gave him as a vampire).

Water for Elephants

Hair coveting: 11
Love, Love, Love the 1930's pin curls.


"What the?" fashion flashback moment: 12

How did we go from unisex spoon-shaped riding pants, to surran wrap pant hopefuls? 
 (Don't even get me started on how photoshopped this woman's poor legs are.)

Vintage is so in right now you know. What's more vintage and timely than depression era get-up? What do you say--want to be trend-setters? I know you, like me, are feeling the hankering to emphasize those birthin' hips. 


Infidelity awkwardness: 10
Water for Elephants
We're supposed to want Pattinson and Reese to be together, but my moral compass just wouldn't allow it. She is a married woman people! I'm sorry I just don't condone sneaky kisses, even if the guy is immortal and has super strength (oh, wait, wrong movie...).


Tear-inducing capacity: 5
It is a moving story, but I only squeezed out a tiny tear out of one eye which is a BIG deal. I can be a full-out crier at the most trivial touching moments (i.e. High School Musical).


Husband friendliness: 4
Water for Elephants
I thought it was too long, which meant my husband thought it would never end. Poor man. It's a pretty movie and all the 1930's fashion serves as great eye-candy. This makes a great recipe for girls night out fun (which my husband suggested 5 minutes into the movie).

Overall: 7
It was good and I liked it.
But...I wish I would have read the book first.
And then added it to my Netflix que months later.
To watch on a night when I was home alone. 
With my snuggy.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Celebrity Sighting

I hesitate to write about this because I don't want jealousy to rear it's ugly head, but it's a story that needs to be told. A true story about me and a celebrity sighting (although, as you will read, it was much more than just a sighting). This person is probably one of the celebrities that most people in America would give their left arm to see. Well, most women in America. Well, most women in Utah. Okay, okay most women in Utah over the age of 50. Yes ladies, the one, the only Donny Osmond. My dad used to do work for Donny, in fact, he still may do work for Donny, I don't rightly know. But anyway, one time my dad was offered tickets and a hotel room for one of Donny's shows in Las Vegas (along with getting paid, of course). My husband and I were recently married and poor as dirt so we decided to tag along. More for the free vacation rather than the allure of seeing Donny. (Sorry Donny, you see I'm under the age of 50).

So, remember my last post when I said I have a problem with tangents? Here's one: we got to our hotel room and found an envelope on the table. Inside were tickets for several free vouchers to the hotel's restaurant. We knew these weren't for us as they had a man's name on them, but figuring the man had checked out of the hotel we did what any good Christian would do. We used them. It wasn't until the next day at Donny's concert when they were announcing the members of the band that we realized the vouchers belonged to the drummer. So drummer man, I'm sorry we used your vouchers. And I'm also sorry you were fired from the band a few months later, although I had nothing to do with that misfortune.

Anyway, back to the celebrity sighting. Before the concert began we met Donny face to face, shook his hand and everything. I was then asked by his personal assistant to join Donny on stage during one of his numbers. No joke. We sang a groovy version of "I'm a Little Bit Country, I'm a Little Bit Rock and Roll." Okay, that's a joke. I was actually asked, along with several other people, to go on the stage during a Christmas song (it was around Christmastime, obviously) and "decorate" a tree while Donny was singing. I didn't want to break it to them that I was 24 and not actually a little kid, but whatever.

So besides that, I've only seen two other celebs: Hulk Hogan and President Monson (not at a church function, so it counts) two very famous people for slightly different reasons.

Anyone capable of one-upping me?

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Thank You, Lindsay

Come on! Do you really think that I would be thanking myself? The only time I do that is when I make myself an exceptional meal, which is almost never. Next to never, really. Okay, it happened once.

No, I'm talking about this Lindsay:

Lindsay Brin. And let's be honest. I've never looked like this. Even before I had kids. And yes, she did birth those two lovely little ones. And yes, that baby is six months old in this picture.

Lindsay and I have become BFFs this pregnancy due to this fitness for pregnancy program:



You see on a pregnant day when I've indulged a little too much, watched a little too much T.V., taken one too many naps, and feel rather sluggish, I can be sold on pretty much anything that I think may unslug me. That's just what happened here.

And while the husband chuckled when the package from "Moms Into Fitness" arrived (very promptly, might I add), I have really enjoyed feeling like I can still do exercise that isn't geriatric. These DVDs aren't Jillian Michaels challenging. (Nor do you get yelled at. Although the thought of Jillian yelling at pregnant ladies who are all crying, because we do that, is a little bit funny to me for some reason.) Obviously, that isn't what you need during pregnancy.

I think they strike the perfect balance of not overdoing it, but doing something that gives you "just enough" of a workout during pregnancy. And there's a DVD for the three stages of pregnancy which I appreciate too because anyone who has been there knows that each stage is different. There's also a "Postnatal Boot Camp DVD" which has an 8 week "get your body back" program.

Not only that, but I've got to give Lindsay props because I have been following her third pregnancy via her blog and anyone who normally looks like the above picture who now doesn't and has enough confidence to post pics of themselves in a bikini, proving to the world that, yes, even extremely fit people do gain weight during pregnancy, has got a fan in me.

(And no, I will not be copying Lindsay's idea of publicly picture documenting my post pregnancy body and how I got it back, so don't even ask. But again, you go girl! That's confidence with a capital C).

Do I think I'm going to look like the above Lindsay six months after giving birth because of these DVDs? No. Heck no. She is obviously genetically gifted to a certain extent and makes her living working out. I don't.

But I can say that they have made this pregnant gal feel as though she can still do something. And something is a whole lot better than nothing.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Strapple

To say that I was overjoyed when I went to Costco (in a ponytail and sweatshirt) and found the return of these gems would be an understatement.

However, I am a little concerned that they are crossing social boundaries in the fruit department. It's kind of like the time the band kid tried out for the football team in high school, the time the former Ute fan turned BYU devotee, or even the time my husband made dinner. Some things are just not natural.

I think when a strawberry exceeds the “bite size” category and crosses into the “main entrĂ©e” category it can no longer be called a strawberry. I'm sorry to break it to you strawberries, the spot for "big red juicy fruit" is already filled.

Actual picture taken in my kitchen, which is, by the way, fully operational!

In conclusion, I'd like to propose to the fruit naming commission that these delicious monstrosities be renamed strapples. It's the only logical solution. (Picture a small apple, subtract the core, and make it a strawberry instead of an apple and you get a strapple). Besides, it's happened before with the plumcot and pluot. If we get enough public attention for it on this blog we just may go down in history.

All in favor say “strapple.”

(I received no remuneration for this post, but if you’re interested Costco or Giant Strawberry Farm, let me know).

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Clean House

I recently read that the average husband helps clean the house about 7 hours a week.

I can’t believe it.

It also said that having a man in the house creates at least 5 more hours of cleaning a week.

Now that I can believe.

I don’t know about your husbands but mine does not clean anywhere near 7 hours a week. Maybe 7 minutes, maybe.

But here’s the deal. I don’t expect my husband to do half the cleaning, or even a fourth of the cleaning. And this is why. I’m home. All day. I certainly have time to do it while he’s at, you know, work. I feel bad for the husbands who work all day and then come home and have to do half of the house work. Sure, sure being a stay-at-home mom is a lot of work. But we don't have deadlines, mean bosses, projects, the stress of bringing a paycheck home, etc. If something gets put off at home (say the laundry, the scrubbing of toilets, or us getting out of our pajamas) no one really cares!

I'm aware that this is probably considered very anti-feminist of me. And I know we are all aware of the irony that is feminism - women can do whatever they want, unless it's cooking, cleaning, staying at home, wearing pearls with our dresses, or basically doing anything June Cleaver would do - then we're considered backward motion, anti-feminist, what have you. I have a serious problem with tangents, this is one of them. I am not here to talk about feminism or anti-feminism. I am here to talk about cleaning.

(But this will not be the last you hear from me about Leave it to Beaver)

I'm all about equality, though, so when both my husband and I were working full time we split up the chores and dinner duty (and yes, maybe when it was my husband’s turn for dinner he would just call his mom and tell her to make more because we were coming over, but still). Now that I don’t have to work full time I’ve taken over the cleaning and dinner. And I’m more than happy with the arrangement.

In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that I actually like to clean and maybe that is why I'm okay doing it all. In fact, I had a serious Danny Tanner moment the other day when I caught myself washing the inside and outside of my vacuum cleaner. What the?

Of course, if my husband did decide to clean 7 hours every week I wouldn’t complain.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Please Stop Tattooing Your Car (Part 1)

*Note: Before I get called a hater, let me just say that if you have a legitimate cause/charity you are passionate about and you have a sticker on your car supporting said cause/charity, I am not talking to you. I fully support you, and so does your car.

I tried to write just one post about car tattoos. I tried hard. But in the end, I found that this topic could be most accurately covered as a three-part series. In this part we'll be discussing:

THE BUMPER STICKER

Why?

Why, people?

I keep going back to the thought that every car used to be a new car. Every car once had a new car smell, no miles, a fresh paint job, and was loved and bought by someone. Do you ever think that maybe in parking lots when we're not around our cars talk to each other like in Chevron commercials? And that possibly this car:

is actually really quite lovely, mild, and kind? Do you think that other cars judge this car for the actions/opinions of it's owner? Because really, that's just not fair.

So honestly why? Why do some feel that their cars are the best place to advertise their political feelings:



Or let people know that they're striving to be a moron:


Or show how awesome their sense of humor is:


Or make others feel bad about their physical efforts:


Or a little "less bad" about their physical efforts:


Or to not only make others feel bad about their physical efforts, but to let them know that they also have lots of fit friends:


Note: Why are there no stickers for power walkers or water aerobics attendees? There should be.

Or to let people know that they've been in (fake) gun fights before so don't (fake) mess with them:



Personal Story:
My old neighbor had a car that was severely tattooed with bumper stickers. Some were a little brash and offensive, but this dude was just about the shyest person on earth. Really, he could barely say hello. Is the bumper sticker a wimpy way to get your inner feelings out? An interesting experiment for a sociologist. Anyone know a sociologist? (Kasey, our resident social worker...thoughts?)

In conclusion, your car didn't ask you to be it's owner. Don't assume that it wants to be your messenger no matter what that message may be. And don't assume that we all want to read your joke, message, or brag. I'll be bold and say that most of us don't.

Stay tuned for Part 2: The Vanity Plate. Coming soon(ish).

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Catwalk


Find it at a Costco near you.

Is it just me or does it seem like a lot of women pushing carts around the warehouse look like they're ready for a night on the town and not just a stroll through, well, a warehouse full of bulk foods?

I feel under-dressed 9 out of 10 shopping excursions.

Don't get me wrong, in general I feel like it's a good thing to look decent in public. I even enjoy dressing up and looking nice from time to time (as in 9-5 for work, anything before or after that is during the bewitching hours).

But...if I've spent all Saturday morning doing yard work should I get decked out to make a trip to the warehouse?

Sigh.

Let's all be honest, (I'm sure you're all thinking it) the real question I should be asking myself right about now is:

"So what. Why do you even care what other people are wearing?"

Option A: A healthy dose of peer pressure anyone?

One side of this issue is that for some reason I hate having to feel like I need to beautify myself. Or even worse, that I need to do it because everyone else is. Part of me wants to continue going to Costco in my paint spattered pants fresh from home renovation to just prove I don't need to play into the "women as objects" societal perceptions of what I "should" do.

Option B: I am lazy and need an excuse, so I am critical of those who are not. (shameful ladies, I know)

I have to admit that sometimes I fall into the category of "I don't want to spend the time to beautify myself, so I'll spend the time to look like I'm the kind of person who doesn't need to/care to."

My friend Erin (who is also a Utah-non-native) recently posted this on her Facebook wall:
Why do 95% of the Utah moms wear workout clothes (she later further classified the attire as designer grubbies) to go grocery shopping? I don't understand. I want to tell them that grocery shopping is not a real work out, but I'd hate to disappoint. Hear hear to jeans and t shirt moms!
This comment in response to Erin's FB post made me laugh (guiltily):
I occasionally wear workout clothes to the grocery store, but the only reason is that I haven't showered and look like crap and I just need to make a quick trip. I have just enough dignity to not wear my pj's, but not enough to shower and get ready, so work out clothes are a good alternative. They almost give off the impression that I look so gross because I just had an awesome, kick-booty workout, which is usually not the case. That's my story. (Emphasis added)
Sadly, the only labels on the bum of my grubby pants are "this woman got a little too close and personal with wet paint." Should I feel bad for wearing grubbies that are really, well grubby?

A good friend of mine (ahem... Kasey) once reasoned with me that she thinks it's a positive thing when people dress up to look nice. Perhaps too many people are too casual about their appearance in public in our day and age (cue the young hooligans with their escaped convict facial hair).

So ladies, the final question is...

Do I dress up (in designer pj's or otherwise) to go to Costco and by doing so join the ranks? OR...throw caution to the wind and stick with my comfy ponytail and hooded sweatshirt?

Monday, April 18, 2011

Kasey's Top 3 People You Feel Awkward Running Into

I think I get embarrassed more easily than most. Seriously, I blush 30% of my waking hours and 5% of my sleeping hours (I kiss the strangest people in my dreams). And so I have compiled a list of my top 3 people I would rather not run into in public.

1) Old teachers who you talked back to, played jokes on, or were just plain annoying in front of. I thought I was pretty funny back in the day, but now as an adult I look back and think why? Why? Why did we think we were clever when we hid our band teacher's baton? Why did my friend and I think it would be funny to use walkie talkies in class because our teacher separated us? Bad example, because in hindsight that one was kind of funny. Also on this list would be old administrators. Especially if you crashed your car into their car one summer during high school registration. Just sayin...that might be embarrassing for someone who did that.

2) Your OBGYN. I ran into my OB a few weeks ago at the ballet. Not knowing what to do I stopped and said hi. He looked at me for a few moments before responding, "Oh, hi. I didn't recognize you with your clothes on." Okay, he didn't really say that, but he could have (if you know what I mean).

3) Old boyfriends. This actually hasn't happened to me, but on a few occasions my grandma has ran into an old boyfriend of mine but chooses to tell me about it only when we're having large family gatherings.

My face is red just thinking about all of this. Anyone you would add to the list?

Saturday, April 16, 2011

My Apologies To Our Googlers


Here's a little bit of insider information for all (10) of you faithful readers: Erica is the brains behind this operation. You see, Kasey and I went to high school in the late 90s, hence we didn't have e-mail until we were 17 or cell phones until we were in college. Technical jargon is not our forte (but using the word "jargon" is, which should also tell you how old we are).

So Erica set up the blog, frequently fixes all our formatting issues, gets cool things like buttons going, and set us up on Google Analytics.

What is Google Analytics, you ask?

Well, just in case you were born before 1985 and have been out of the work force for a while, it's a feature where you can see who is looking at your blog, how they got to your blog, how long they stayed on your blog, if they immediately left (or "bounced") your blog, and what they searched for that led them to your blog. I understand about 60% of it, really, but that's a fascinating 60%.

The search terms is my favorite feature. Let me tell you what people are searching for that lead them to this blog:


Search term: 15 passenger vans

This blog currently provides no information on 15 passenger vans. Only info on if vans are cool or not.

That searcher bounced.


Search term: comcast

This blog cannot tell you anything about comcast, but apparently when you use the word "comcast" the good people at Comcast magically come to your site to see why you are talking about them. A little paranoid, don't you think? Comcast. Comcast. Comcast. (We'll get atleast 3 pageviews from that).

That searcher bounced.



Search term: maternity clothing homemade

This blog cannot tell you how to make maternity clothing. Only that making maternity clothing isn't cool. That wasn't what that chick wanted to hear so...

She bounced.



Search term: sing a song i like pears

What? Inside joke? I don't get it, but I do know that we don't have whatever it is that you're looking for.

They landed here, but then...

That searcher bounced.



Search term: byu cheerleading


This blog contains no information on BYU cheerleading, how to become a BYU cheerleader, or how to meet BYU cheerleaders (unless, of course, you have Jimmer's mad skills).

So, of course, that searcher bounced.



Search term: work is necessary evil discussions

Wow. I'm actually glad this reader bounced, and hopefully made their way quickly to a therapist or to their local temp agency to find a new job.


In short, what is it exactly that we offer here? We have no tips, tricks, recipes, crafts, or useful information. Just a lot of mumbo jumbo and an occasional good time. It's really a blog about nothing. So to all you Googlers, hang in there. The interweb is full of information, I'm told. This just isn't the place to find it.

Being a Women Can be the Pits

If there is one sure way to financial security, it's inventing women's insecurities.

At least that's what Steven Colbert thinks in bit he recently did.

Warning: If you aren't self-conscious about your arm pits, knee pits, pankle, or aged feet currently, you may not want to view this clip.


(It gets great at about 1:43 seconds)

Friday, April 15, 2011

Guesting

Do you seriously know how hard it is to write two posts per week? It's actually not that hard. But every now and again we like to whine about it, and it's always nice to hear from others, so we invited my good friend, Jami, of almost 15 years to guest post today. She's in my same predicament (pregnant for the third time) and I hope you enjoy her thoughts as much as I did.

Jami, take it away:

I am pregnant. Again. For the third time. Apparently being pregnant is all the rage right now. Jessica Alba, Pink, Selma Blair. I'm just glad I'm not pregnant at the same time as Heidi Klum, because then I would hate her and her skinny pregnant self. But I can't hate her because she is German and lovely and witty.



And although I am happy to be following a trend (false: trends are lame) and could not ask for a bigger blessing than being able to bear children (the latter statement is true), pregnancy is hard. Thing is, no one ever tells you what's so hard about it. But for you, dear teenager, who loudly confided in me at the not-so private establishment called The Buckle by saying "I wanna be a surrogate for my aunt," I am gonna give it to you straight. Because sometimes, it's just not as cute as you think it is.
1.) You don't just gain weight in your belly. You gain weight EVERYWHERE (unless you're Heidi Klum). Your butt, your arms, your legs, your face. Sometimes I think my hair is even getting fat.
2.) You don't just cry when your baby is born. You cry over EVERYTHING: Like when your husband loses the chapstick, and you really needed to use it.
3.) You become a mean person: And you yell at your husband when he loses the chapstick right after you cried about it.
4.) You lose all motivation to do anything: My toilets may be black inside but I'll be danged if I have to peel away from my pregnancy pillow and this episode of “Chuck” to clean them.
5.) There is no more bending over: Have you ever seen a pregnant woman try and pick up something from the floor? It ain't pretty.
6.) Say good-bye to your 3-a-day bathroom trips. Because that number triples. And what was once beautiful skin on your hands is now cracked and bleeding skin from all the hand washing you'll be doing as a result.


7.) Stretch marks and the arrival of veins you never knew you had. Need I say more?


So my dear little friend, even though it is quite amazing to carry a baby, maybe you ought to let these stone cold facts settle in your tender brain before offering up your teenage womb to the masses.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Poor Vegans

I feel bad for vegans, for obvious reasons. Imagine a life where you couldn't eat baked goods, or anything else with dairy, let alone meat. Yeah, pretty grim.

It was recently reported that Natalie Portman, who became a vegan for moral reasons (bad treatment of animals), has since become a vegetarian because of pregnancy cravings. If your moral standings are such that you would change them over a craving, I'm guessing they weren't firm in the first place, but that's another topic for another day. In the end, I can't blame her. It would be a sad, bland life to not enjoy a cookie every now and again (or several times a day, as the case may be, which it is for me).

It does kind of seem that being a vegetarian or a vegan is the "in" thing to do, with many celebrities recently jumping on the bandwagon. I'm not 100% certain, but I don't think Lady Gaga is on that wagon. I like meat too, but a girl has her limits. Well, most girls. Not Lady Gaga, apparently.

I've never tried to follow a vegan diet, or a vegetarian diet, but I did try a veggie burger once. I was working at a restaurant in Tomorrowland at Disney World in my days of yore. While we were going through training we had the opportunity to try all of the food on the menu so we could talk to the guests (Disney's term for customers, not mine) about our menu options. As I ate the veggie burger I had two thoughts: "Blech," and "Oh, THIS is what it would taste like to eat cardboard between a hamburger bun," because we have all, at one time or another, wondered that. Here's the sad part, a vegan probably couldn't eat the hamburger bun because it most likely has milk, butter and/or egg in it. And that was the only good part of the veggie burger. Again, I'm telling you, sad.

For the record, I have nothing against vegans being vegans. I just don't know how they do it.

I do have one question, though: if animals aren't supposed to be eaten, why are they made of meat?

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

My Rant On Movie Ratings

Ok. So I am that type of person. The type that when it says "R" it's a no go. I don't care about how many awards it wins. I don't care that my not-so-secret crush on Colin Firth (he's Mr. Darcy, after all) has me longing. It says "R" so I'm just going to have to wait three years to see it on TNT when they cut out all the smut.

But when that "R" is magically changed to a "PG-13" one weekend, I'm the first one in line. So yep, this weekend the husband and I went to see The King's Speech, and I'm being really honest here, I have no idea why this movie ever deserved an "R" rating. I know why they gave it an "R" originally, and it's because of this:

More than 2 F words, not directed at anyone and not done in the spirit of violence.

I don't condone the F word. I don't like it. I don't use it. I don't want it near the ears of my children. To get this movie to a "PG-13" rating, they replaced said F word with a slightly less offensive swear word. But even at that, I would say that this movie was the least offensive "PG-13" movie I have ever seen. Really. In fact, I've seen far more offensive episodes of Glee (and I only watched Season 1), Project Runway, The Bachelor, and, if we're looking strictly at language, any NBA game.

So here's my beef:

1. Why is there a black and white rule about language when there seem to be no other rules about what immoral behavior is acceptable for 13 year-olds to see? To me, it just makes it too easy to get that "R" rating to win awards when you don't otherwise need it (like in The King's Speech).

2. Why isn't there any set rule about "women as objects" or "glamorous drug use" or "nearly pornography" or "wreckless sexual behavior"? All things I saw (along with the F word) in The Social Network rated PG-13 and which no one warned me about.

3. What I want instead of a blanketed letter rating is a report card of sorts. You list out all of these things, write out how many incidences of each there are in the movie, and then you let me decide if I want my teenager to see it. It's far too easy to just give it a letter rating based on opinion and then let an unsuspecting public think it's just fine to see or just fine for their children to see.

Oh, and did we like the movie?

Yes we did.

We give it four enthusiastic thumbs-up (mine and the husbands), and in this home if you can find a movie we both like, you know you found a gem.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Don't Be A Big Loser

Potty training problems, snappy teenagers, discontented in-laws?
I once heard that all things should be likened, like the scriptures, to our lives. It was probably over the pulpit during fast and testimony meeting, so it must be true.
Biggest Loser made-for-T.V. motivational moments promise great one-liners for problem-solving motivation...at least that is what they were originally intended for. On a rare occasion they are motivational, at other times they are just laughable. In the spirit of likening and Big Loser love (as opposed to Sister Love, which I do not endorse), here are some of my favorites. The borderline motivational:
"I know the end of the story and you make it."
Pregnant? Potty training problems? Lindsay, this one is for you.
"At first I wanted to pout and throw a fit… and then I remembered they need a coach (as said by Justin a “real man”)"
This really applies to any mom/wife/boss/friend at all hours of the day
The laughable: *Prepared to be moved people.
“It’s just like a bunch of fattys on a spin bike. Not like fit people.”
Feeling unfit for gym class? Everyone else is just a fatty on a spin bike too, so no worries.
“I need you to feel uncomfortable.”
Getting/giving the silent treatment? Vietnamese-only-speaking manicurist laughing in your general direction? Dinner at the in-laws? The list goes on and on. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right?
"What if it isn't what it is?"
What does this even mean? I’m going to say this one is open to your interpretation; feel free to substitute words seminary style.
What if (my new hair cut) isn’t what (the good news minute) is (all about)?
What if (I never picked up a sock again, would anyone notice)?
“You wanna leave at any time, you can do that. This is not a prison.”
Teenagers? This may apply to you (if it does you are probably not laughing).
“We’re something you know”
A piece of work, a human being, anything really. Feel free to choose your favorite noun mad-lib style.
“That’s a big step for a big man”
Persuaded the husband to make dinner? Attend a ward social? Put down the toilet seat? This is a big deal so be sure to notice.
“Stay tuned for the most emotional weigh in of the season”
Swim suit season is approaching. This is a good reminder to us all to not be like emotional reality T.V. casualties when the day of reckoning comes.