Thursday, March 31, 2011
EXAMPLE OF MOM HAIR #1
Apparently, this is not the only example of mom hair. Here are some qualifications to earn the title of mom hair (*Disclaimer, I read this in a magazine, which I cannot recall the name of*):
1) If your hair is all one length you have mom hair. Guilty.
2) If your hair is more than a few inches below your shoulder you have mom hair. Guilty.
3) If you sport the same look as you did in high school you probably have mom hair. Guilty.
But I ask you, if you only go to the salon twice a year (like moi) what hairstyle is easier to maintain than an all-the-same-length, long, straight one? None. Oh. I guess that's why it's mom hair, because you can tell the person only gets it cut twice a year. Amazing the conclusions you come to when you think things out.
EXAMPLE OF MOM HAIR #2
This is Angelina Jolie, not me. No big deal if you couldn't tell. We get mistaken for each other all the time. I don't think long straight hair looks half bad either...(not that my hair looks exactly like that).
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
The good people at Urban haven’t forgotten any of my purchases from their fine establishment and send me their catalog seasonally. I get really EXCITED when it comes. And not for the clothes, my friends. For the humor. I just can’t get over how ridiculous the settings, models, and many of the clothes are. I’ve even called my sister a number of times (she gets it too) saying, “PLEASE TURN TO PAGE 63,” before I even say hello. And she knows exactly what I’m talking about. We laugh and laugh.
Take a look-see at some examples:
“I know we’re a little bit high, but you’re headed right for that camera! Stop!”
You’re right. Long, flowing flowery skirts paired with character clothing never really got a fair chance.
Couple of the Month. It’s good these outcasts found each other.
Oh, wait. So you’re saying they aren’t outcasts? There’s a whole gaggle of them!
Well I guess, if alone in the wilderness, cable-knit-diapers are okay. Watch out for stinging nettle though.
Note: I laughed for days about this one.
Thanks for giving me some options. I’d hate to only be able to wear my knit diaper once, fine piece of clothing that it is.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
(Just for the record, we are not hoarders. That would be gross and not something to share publicly. One of us is just overly sentimental and both are desirous to always be prepared for the next big thing--natural disaster or costume party, take your pick we have abundant supplies for each).
As we've been packing up our precious belongings for the long move to a new city (2.1 miles away), I've come across some treasured artifacts that are moving from the "acceptable to wear in public" section of the closet, to the "dress up clothes for future children" box.
Of course, my own closet is free from most of these artifacts, but my husband has a few gems, namely like 200 ties, of which 150 will soon be retired.
Exhibit B: Game day anyone? These artifacts date back to 1990-2000 A.D. Personal fav here is the Taz tie. Classy.
Exhibit C for Colors Gone Wrong I have nothing personal against these ties (except maybe the former girlfriends they took to Prom). Here's to hoping for their sakes that pastels make a non-Easter related come back.
*(This message was approved by the DH. Though no feelings were harmed in the making of this post, full agreement on their out-of-dateness was not mutual)
Monday, March 28, 2011
1) I can not drive large vehicles without hitting curbs. We've had a truck for almost 3 years now, but whenever I'm behind the wheel I inevitably hit a curb. Our truck is big (we're half red-neck, that's why) so luckily the curbs are the only things that get damaged in our encounters. Also, several years ago I worked at an employment center for people with disabilities. One of my jobs was to drive a 15 passenger van full of "clients" to their place of work. 15 passenger vans are large, in case you didn't know.
Almost every day I would hit the same curb as I made a right hand turn. And every time I hit it my special passengers would scream and yell like they were scared half to death. It didn't do much for my driving confidence.
2) I can not pluck my eyebrows correctly. I've been attempting it for a good 13 years now (if that's not practice, I don't know what is). The other day I was looking in the mirror on the car visor and noticed that one of my eyebrows was about a half inch shorter than the other one (which we know in eyebrow world is about a third of the entire eyebrow). How embarrassing. I had tweezed my eyebrows a few days earlier but had only just noticed it. When I pointed it out to my sister she burst out laughing. Great. I had walked around like this for days - hundreds of people had seen me! And if not a hundred at least 10 people had seen me. I remedied the situation by drawing the rest of my eyebrow on with an eyeliner pencil. I am, at least, resourceful.
Conclusion: 5+ years of driving large vehicles and 13+ years of plucking my eyebrows and not only am I not perfect at these things, but I haven't even improved slightly. Moral of the story: stop trying.
Okay, not really. For the sake of unsuspecting pedestrians I will continue to practice not hitting curbs when driving large vehicles, and for the sake of everyone looking at my face I will continue to pluck my eyebrows, but I won't be expecting perfection.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Must be incredibly patient, good at scrubbing, great at laundry, results oriented, and a real go getter. A high tolerance for grossness, little to no gag reflex, and an ability to carry Lysol at all times required.
Pay: $1,000,000 (the first million this blog makes me) when the job is done. And I mean DONE.
Friday, March 25, 2011
As I was briskly traveling in the the left non-HOV lane this afternoon and berating a fellow driver ahead of me for not knowing the rules of left lane speeder's travel, I began to think, “Maybe these are only my rules in my little world of my small car and no one else knows them.”
If you are traveling in the left lane and another vehicle approaches from behind proceeding at a quicker rate of speed than you, you should:
A) continue applying your mascara (no joke here)
B) slow down, stay in the left lane, and never look back
C) speed it up, move it over, get off the road--RAWHIDE!
So which is it?
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Call me crazy but I think if the flower or bow is as big as or exceeds the diameter of your baby's face, it's too big.
And why, exactly, are we trying to hide our baby's face under a large flower?
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Giveaway Item 1:
On our very first Christmas as a married couple, I gave him these slippers, and he gave me an apron. We weren’t 68 when we got married. We’re just weird. Since, I have bought him several other pairs of slippers of equal or greater quality, but he always goes back to these beauties. And now, they could be yours. All you have to do is leave a comment with one creative idea for recycling them. I’ve gone green here.
(Note: You do NOT have to come through on your creative idea, although if you do and send in a picture, I’m pretty sure you’d get props via this blog. But really, throwing them away would be a favor to humanity. So I’m sure the Green Gods would forgive you.)
Giveaway Item 2:
Indecent Basketball Shorts
The husband is a bit of a “baller”. He loves the game. To the point that these shorts have given up. You can see my hand through them in the above picture. He mainly just wears them around the house now as to not get arrested, and you better believe they are thin. I don’t know how many more times we can wash them before they no longer exist. And now, they can be yours! All yours! Again, please leave a comment telling me what you would use them for. (Craft project, science fair project [how many washes do they have left?], etc.)
Please respond by April Fools Day. (Un)Lucky winners will be announced thereafter. Good luck; you're going to need it!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
- If public speaking puts you in a frenzy, opening exercises with my ward just might cure you. There’s no point in hiding the elephant in the room--the kid in the front row will ask the “talk giver” point blank “do you gots stage fright or somethin? You look scared.”
- It's come to my attention that latter-day saint children are very concerned about getting home safely. They never forget to include it in every opening and closing prayer. I’ve even heard it asked for twice in one prayer. What are we doing to address this issue and why are the children so concerned?
- Sometimes the standard Sunday school responses do not apply. When asking what we should pray for when we have a good harvest from our gardens, one ten-year old girl in my class answered “the plan of salvation.” I pride myself on great transitions and out-there-tie-ins but this one was a stretch.
Monday, March 21, 2011
I don't usually like to use time out as a punishment for not eating food, but I'm a big believer in sticking to your guns once you tell your child to do something - and following through on your threats. I've seen too many children who are products of empty-threat-parenting and I want to stay as far aways from that as possible. Those kids are obnoxious. Two time outs, many tears, and a bite of banana later he was on his way to feed the horses.
Mom 1, Toddler 0.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
wouldn’t be. Paul McDonald murdered (think drunk at a kareoke bar) Elton John this week and yet, he lives to see another day. Mainly because I think the judges think he’s “different.”
Yeah, this guy is going for a “different” kind of sound. He definitely wears “different” kinds of outfits. And he has really “different” dance moves. The kind of “different” that might be tolerated if you had a band to drown you out. But where is Paul’s band?
Friday, March 18, 2011
Basically, you can never be too strong in sending the "I'm unavailable" message.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Okay, my last sentence was a lie, because this movie is in order. It holds the #1 spot on my list.
Anne of Green Gables (included is Anne of Avonlea but not Anne the Continuing Story).
Please tell me you've seen this. And please tell me you love it.
If you think that Canada has not produced anything noteworthy in decades, remember this movie. It makes up for centuries of apathy (lucky for Canada).
Are you surprised to see this on a female, 20-something-year-old's list?
Why I like it:
I like musicals in general, but this is probably my favorite one.
And a few reason's why:
How rude! And yet, so funny.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Alright ladies. I'm pregnant for the third time, and in past experiences the need for maternity clothes hits me suddenly. One day the pants zip and the next day there's an inch wide gap between zipper teeth. Remembering this, has me scrambling because, after all, what if that day is tomorrow?
Some things are the same as in years past:
1)These clothes age you about 5 years, no matter what you do.
2) I'd rather be spending money on normal clothes.
3) I'm going to have to just bite the bullet, buy the clothes, and do my best.
Some things have changed:
1)All the websites use REAL pregnant models now, a refreshing change (from a feminist point of view) from stick thin/no hip, pregnant manequins of the past.
2)Real pregnant models make the clothes look a lot less appealing... A LOT less in some cases.
3)Based on her Motherhood line, Heidi Klum is telling me I should wear these while pregnant despite my better judgment (and the overalls above...really, Heidi? What does Tim Gunn have to say about this?):
4)Leggings as pants are all the rage in maternity wear. Leggings are just about the most comfortable piece of clothing on the planet. I would love to wear leggings 24/7. Leggings should be worn by those who don't gain weight during pregnancy. Leggings probably shouldn't be worn by those who do. (nor should they be worn by those who have a line across their thigh, if you catch my drift).
So, how does one navigate this confusing world of maternity wear? What is really going to work for me? I sometimes go to the clothing reviews that popular websites use to help us, but some of these ladies are just here to brag:
Note: I have bolded the brag just in case you are not as adept at detecting it as I, in my highly sensitive pregnant state, am. These are in fact REAL reviews, and they are all reviewing maternity clothing.
"I normally wear a size 1 so I ordered these in a 1 as well. I have pretty skinny legs and they fit tight, so you may want to order up a size. Otherwise they're great!"
"I am petite and pregnant, and finding maternity pants in my size is a challenge. I'm 5'5" and 98 lbs and am growing pretty fast out of my clothes. These short cut pants are very comfortable, fits great (no need to hem), and tuck well into long boots. I didn't find this size in stores, only online."
"I really like these pants. I'm extremely petite; I was a size 0 before pregnancy and weighed 100 pounds. These were the smallest maternity pants I found, however they are a little saggy in the butt still. I think the elastic just isn't tight enough on me yet, even though I'm in my third trimester. "
And others are weird enough that I'd never take their advice anyway:
Note: I bolded the weird for you too.
"I had recently vowed to never buy any maternity jeans ever again because I couldn't find any that fit and I would rather make my own..."
(Wow, I bet you look hot in homemade jeans.)
"Ok, I'm not pregnant, but I still love these tanks because they are long and super stretchy, so they hold their shape really well and conform to your curves. Well, I used to love them, at least. They changed them, and now they are much thinner and less well made. I have one that has lasted me for over a year, but the newer one I bought last month (it's constructed much more poorly) has already ripped at the front seam!!"
(On what planet are maternity tank tops better for non-pregnant women than regular tank tops? And, you keep buying them?)
1) Just wear a lot of black.
2) Wear accessories, and always do your make-up.